Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes