I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
You Might Also Like
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
felt that
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
moms in horror movies
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.