Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
You Might Also Like
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.