Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.