Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.