I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Happy birthday to all the women
forgive me baja for i have blast
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
don’t be scared
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in