I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.