I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.