Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Bootstraps
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead