7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…