*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.