I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.