If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars