Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
A double negative is a big no-no.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill