I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
While we鈥檙e all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
WIFE: good news hun we鈥檙e up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn鈥檛 arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I鈥檝e already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye