me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
This dude got his own movie?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Breaking news:
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.