Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*