My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
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Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
But wait…
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.