Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”