Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?