The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
All is fair in drunk and war.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.