I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Knock Knock
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
this post was so formative to me
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.