[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders