Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks