Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
You Might Also Like
You better watch out
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
ELLEN: so I hear you鈥檙e a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it鈥檚 just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 馃槈
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”