If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!