listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…