[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If I ignore life will it go away?
Fries, not lies.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out