If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.