When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Dolls on drugs
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then