My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
What’s so funny?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”