ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR