Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You Might Also Like
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.