A friend sent me this.
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
こいつ天才
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs