My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.