I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Okay me first
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”