When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?