If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.