My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
channeling her this year
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.