The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Jupiter
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage