Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
CRYING
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO