HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.