Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.