I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.