The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
eggs benadryl
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?