Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Our lord and savoury.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.