Not all heroes wear capes…
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace