Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.