If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
That eye roll….
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.