My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
scenes of unspeakable carnage
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up